The Countess is just filled with secrets. This week’s episode of American Horror Story: Hotel starts with a flashback to a few centuries back. Gaga shows up to a bootleg doctors office for a surgery. I thought she was having an abortion, which would have been illegal at the time and would have had to been performed on the low, but she was there to have the kid. This isn’t before Gaga became a vampire, this is actually after she had already changed. So this kid is being born a vampire.
The newborn vampire kills the nurse holding him, as the doctor announces proudly to Gaga that he’s a boy.
Fast forward to the current day drama at Hotel Cortez–
John is sleeping in his bed in good ol’ room 69 or whatever (I already forgot the room number), when Holden wakes him out of his sleep and says HI daddy. Such a cute lil vampy, he is. John chases after his son to the pool where all the caskets are. He finds Alex and Holden inside of the biggest casket and faints.
Someones getting it on in a bed and I figured John found Sally again. But it wasn’t even John. Tristan and Liz Taylor are twisted together in a passionate sex session. Who knew? They love sleeping together and have been for awhile. Liz gives Tristan some books to read including Bronte and Tristan is genuinely enamored with the fact that Liz cares for him. Tristan asks if Liz loves him and theres some hesitance in giving a confirmation. The problem is Tristan belongs to Gaga in theory and she is awfully jealous of her man toys being with anyone else.
They both admit they are in love. They will eventually tell Gaga, because they will try to appease her caring side. The side that saves people and saved Liz from living a life as a closeted woman. Liz even cries because Tristan sees the girl inside.
Meanwhile, Gaga is trying once again to go at it with Will Drake. Once again, he has to explain: GIRLS DON’T TURN ME ON. He’s soft. Get the man a proper boyfriend and move on. The Countess, however, is focused, and texts Tristan to “CUM UP.” Tristan leaves his lil bald lady and heads to the pent house suite where Will Drake is bare assed and Gaga has a thong leotard.
The thing is that Tristan doesn’t see himself as gay. He’s in love with the woman that Liz Taylor is, although she’s a bald man. He doesn’t want to do the gay stuff anymore. Gaga gives him the mother on a rampage look, like she was going to whip him if he didn’t follow orders, and he reluctantly closes the door for their threesome.
Alex comes looking for Liz Taylor to help with her John situation. Alex drugged John, after he fainted. Liz didn’t like Ms. Alex too much because that grouch face Chloe Savigny has as this character, does not come with any politeness. But Liz Taylor is a psychologist and counselor at the Hotel Cortez, and she’s in love at the moment, so she sets up a plan. They are going to hide the caskets before John wakes up from his drug induced nap.
Alex puts on her pre-vampire clothes and sits across from John as he sleeps. When he wakes up, she lies to him and says that he called her and she found him lying in the hallway. John tells her about Holden and that he saw her at the pool. Alex tells him that he’s seeing things and claims he even admitted it when he called her. (Which never happened.) She has the gall to try to convince John that he is having a psychotic breakdown in order to cover her new vamp life with her estranged son.
I’ve never seen such a selfish character as Alex Lowe. EVER. What happened to Scarlett in all this? Alex birthed the poor girl too. She abandons her daughter for this life and now is lying to her husband, who would probably be ecstatic to find out that their son is okay. But she is so selfish, she thinks she’s the only one allowed that kind of closure. SELFISH!
Liz and Alex succeeded at breaking the coffins and sweeping the remnants away. John rushes to the Pool and finds it empty. Alex reinforces the psycho scenario for him and prescribes some sleep. What she needs to do is get a heart.
The Countess makes a visit to room 33 and we find out where baby vamp lives. She tells him that she will go to Paris with Will Drake so that she can afford to never leave his side.
While the Gaga is away, Ramona and Donovan come in with a mission to the Hotel Cortez. They intend to kill Gaga’s children. Here I thought she was going for Holden and his look alike, but Ramona was targeting the vampire baby we just found out about. Ramona insults Donovan for not wanting to accompany her in killing a kid. She suggests he go up to Gaga’s suite and smell her underwear. That’s exactly what Donovan does.
In the suite, Donovan bumps into the Swiss girls that died earlier. They are walking around disoriented looking for a way to get to the Fast and the Furious movie. They are ghosts that are trapped in a loop because they can’t find their purpose.
Donovan tells them a story of a hotel guest that sat in a tub full of water with a razor with the intention of killing herself. She was a loving person that was very alone and ended her life. She was in the bath tub for months. The water on her hotel floor was undrinkable. That didn’t matter, they still rented those rooms out to guests. She found purpose in terrorizing the guests and got herself out the routine. She could never leave the hotel as a spirit but she got herself a little part-time job. Donovan admits to the girls he lost his purpose when he lost Gaga.
Ramona walks into room 33 looking for vamp baby, who is named Bartholomew. I’m going to have to use a nickname: Bart. So Bart, is out of his crib and hiding. He knows aunt Ramona is up to no good. They have it out and Ramona comes out with a little scratch and Bart goes into hiding in the hotel. Afterward, Ramona has a drink at the bar with Liz Taylor. Although Liz has missed Ramona’s company, she tells her to get out because when the Countess returns he has his own issues to resolve. He tells her about Tristan and Ramona reminds him that Gaga is jealous.
Liz Taylor’s a counselor for all but he’s not listening to what he would have told himself. That’s cause he knows he’s a favorite of the Countess and is hoping that she would think differently of the situation because of that. Ramona just tells him that when the time is right, and he will know, he has to run. It would be even better if he ran now.
Alex finds the swiss girls crying next to the body of a naked man in one of the rooms. The guy came to party at the hotel and the girls decide to find out if their purpose was the same as the woman who had drowned herself. They have sex with him and while he’s taking a piss one of the girls kills him with a knife. They aren’t crying because they took a life, they are crying because they feel no different. Alex tells them they don’t have to kill to have a purpose. They can mess with peoples heads.
John shows up at the latest commandment crime scene. A televangelist is posed and gutted in front of a podium in a church with coins covering him and something in his mouth. Thou shall not take the lords name in vain. John’s ex-partner doesn’t need his help, they apparently have someone in custody. They are making John to be a lunatic. Everyone gives him the side-eye and he looks crazy. His reputation is trash and I don’t like the road they are leading him to.
John goes back to the hotel to drink a bottle in the hallway. He tries to FaceTime his daughter but the phone service at the hotel is horrible. Liz Taylor comes across him and suggests he goes back to his room to sleep or have a drink at the bar. She doesn’t want him alone in the hallways making him available for undesirables. John pushes Liz away and tells her that this is his nervous breakdown and he wants to enjoy it. He throws a bottle after her as she leaves.
The Swiss girls show up and take John to his room. Alex had convinced them to have a three some with John. These girls died and became so loose. When they were alive all they cared about were the tourist attractions. Midway through their sex session, John is covered in blood. He freaks out and runs to the front desk, completely naked and covered in blood. Liz congratulates him for being in the midst of his breakdown. She accompanies him back to room where the girls are dressed and clean, and Ms. Evers is complaining about how long it will take to wash the sheets. John throws them all out of his room.
John Patrick March appears and congratulates John for “Checking in” to the hotel Cortez. John goes into a frenzy trying to attack March, who disappeared. Then he heads for the shower. Bart had been hiding out in his room from Ramona. He sneaks into John’s bag. After his shower, John packs up and leaves the hotel. FINALLY.
John picks up Scarlett at the sitters house where her mom had abandoned her. The poor girl is upset that her mom hasn’t picked up her calls and didn’t even bother to check on her. John decides that they will stay in the house together till the mom returns. He unpacks and Scarlett sees a bloody towel he’s holding. John’s too frazzled with the mind game his stupid wife is playing with him and the all the hotel stuff, so he’s not quick to lie.
Scarlett gets scared of her father because he suddenly doesn’t seem right. She goes downstairs to eat popcorn and watch cartoons. The blood came from Bart, so John goes out looking for whatever he brought home. He finds Bart downstairs near the living room where Scarlett is. He shoots at Bart and gets him. Bart escapes leaving a blood trail though. Scarlett goes a little crazy fearing her father and telling him to get away from her.
The Countess returns from Paris with Will Drake and his son. While they go to sleep, she has a chat with Liz and notices Liz is nervous. Liz puts her cards on the table. She’s in love with Tristan and its the first time in her life she’s feel this way. Everyone knows that Gaga will stay with Tristan until its time to discard him and move onto the next. What Liz wants is for Gaga to understand her situation in finding love and in being human, where time moves quickly. Gaga decides they will all sit together and talk about it because she loves Liz Taylor.
Alex and John’s partner arrive at the house and Scarlett is going to be dropped off at her grandmothers house by the partner. She doesn’t want to speak to her mother and who could blame her? Alex doesn’t even care. John is frazzled because now his daughter is scared of him. Alex suggests he get some rest in his house. Wait a minute, did she not think he wasn’t going to remember that she threw him out and now she’s offering him the house? Where is she going to say she’s going? Because its not to be with her daughter, thats for sure. He realizes she’s going back to the hotel and slams the door in her face for being a lying hypocrite. John’s supposedly losing his mind but he’s suppose to ignore that his wife has a sudden obsession with the creepy hotel and doesn’t even care to be with her daughter.
Bart is hiding out in the bushes and Alex hears him scurrying and searches the bushes to find him.
Tristan walks into his meeting in one of the hotel rooms with Gaga and Liz Taylor. He kisses Gaga who is cold in her response. Gag offers to serve them drinks and tells them that she doesn’t feel emotions as a vampire, but tastes them. She describes all the flavors and admits that betrayal is the only one that she doesn’t like. Tristan realizes Liz told her about their relationship. For the first time, someone says exactly whats going on to Gaga’s face.
Tristan tells Gaga that he knows that she uses her partners and when she drops them it isn’t because of boredom. It’s more so, because she enjoys living off the despair she causes when they are committed to her and are suddenly abandoned. He says he doesn’t want to be discarded and that he feels the same as Liz. They hug and kiss. Liz begs Gaga just to have one out of all the men that have been her companions.
Gaga takes a moment and then says they can have each other. She cuts Tristan’s throat open and tells Liz Taylor that she can have him and bury him.
WOW. Another example of selfishness gone wild on AHS:HOTEL. It took Liz Taylor so long to be able to be herself and she spent a lot of that time alone. She had finally found her connection and Gaga cut it from her life.
The Countess heads to room 33 to go check on Bart and is alarmed when she sees the door ajar. Alex is in a rocking chair putting Bart to sleep. Alex tells Gaga that Bart got out and was hurt and lost some blood. Gaga is eternally grateful that Alex saved her son. But Alex reminds her that she was returning the favor.
We finally get a closeup of the baby. Bart has a small head with a jagged gash as a mouth covered in little baby vamp teeth. His eyes look like two holes punched into a paper bag and are solid black. I don’t know how I feel about him.
It’s that time again: Let me know what this episode made you want to break. What’s the deal with the parenting and Scarlett? What do you think will happen with Liz Taylor? Are they going to make John Lowe into a basket case? Who will win the Game of thrones?
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